Explore Your Values

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Values are much more nuanced, complex, and beautiful than some might imagine. Self help and pop psychology might have you thinking they’re just words to describe what you care about in life. But values are much more about the journey to uncover them, the self exploration that helps you understand where those values come from, and about being curious to how they evolve throughout our lives. 

A person in a tie-dyed sweatshirt and yellow beanie sits with back to camera on rocks looking out towards the ocean
A person in a tie-dyed sweatshirt and yellow beanie sits with back to camera on rocks looking out towards the ocean

There is a heavy emphasis on values being described verbally, which tracks with the mental and behavioral health systems’ adherence to upholding colonialist standards. Of course commonality in communication is helpful when you have to work with a professional in those fields, but we must think beyond words when it comes to values. Perhaps your values are a set of experiences in your heart that are meaningful guides for you or perhaps art best communicates the values you hold meaningful in life.

…we must think beyond words when it comes to values

The majority of guidance to help people uncover their values is based on written or spoken verbal communication. Perhaps that can be seen as a starting point for folks, but later values may take on more abstract qualities. I used to think the words “stewardship” or “environment” or “interconnectedness” described a value I had related to the earth and nature connection. Now I realize that it is a collection of experiences and feelings that come together and hold deep meaning that can’t be described well with words. I move towards this value when I connect to feeling the earth in my hands, sprouting seedlings, feeling the wind, appreciating the lovely sting from our star warming me as I am filled with moments of peace, strength and connection. This fills me with meaning in my life and I no longer feel compelled to find a value “word” to fit. Understanding this value did start with an initial exploration of value words and an attempt to understand why available, mainstream resources on values didn’t seem to fit right in my journey. 

A former decorative water fountain now spilling over with string of dolphins, string of bananas, lobster flower and kalanchoe
A former decorative water fountain now spilling over with string of dolphins, string of bananas, lobster flower and kalanchoe

Curiosity and exploration is all that is needed to start your journey to see how connecting to your values might fit into your growth. We at Blooming Abilities have a values activity we do in our “values” caregiver training module that many participants have reported they enjoy for exploring their values. It looks at idioms or sayings that many people may have heard and explores what values may be tied to that saying. We have turned this into a quiz (because who doesn’t love Buzzfeed style quizzes?) for folks to give it a try too. We would love to know what you think in the comments section. 

Planned Ignoring Pitfalls (Part 2)

This is part two of our planned ignoring post. Part one is here

Problem one: It shows the child that attention, help, care, and love from adults and those in power is conditional

  • Children learn how the world works from their trusted adults around them. They don’t understand a distinction about behavior vs. themselves as people. 
  • They learn that to get help and attention, they must do whatever the person in power demands. 
  • When used with vulnerable populations this grooms them to suppress their own needs and internal warning signals to do what they must to appease the person unhappy with them and puts them at higher risk for exploitation.
  • They learn that attention and help should be conditional no matter the type of attention

Instead: We should ensure that the child understands our love and care is unconditional 

  • Explain that we understand they are having a hard time and that we want to help them. 
  • Make sure they know that we are there for them if that is what they want and need at the moment.
  • Ensure we communicate that we are not upset with them and make sure we don’t hold grudges
  • The way these things are communicated will vary based on the child, family values and contextual situation.

Problem two: It does nothing to help the person understand the situation

Planned ignoring…requires no discussion of the situation with the person experiencing distress.

  • Children (people in general) tend to see the situation from their point of view. Children will make up reasons a situation happened the way it did, especially when it was something very emotional. 
  • When planned ignoring is used, it is a tool of oppression. It is to suppress something which the person in power does not approve of. It isn’t used to offer rationales, it doesn’t treat the child with respect as a partner in communication nor does it offer learning in a way that is compassionate.
  • Planned ignoring doesn’t include parental guidance because it requires no discussion of the situation with the person experiencing distress.

Instead: We should make sure to talk about what happened after the heat of the moment and explain the (often) unwritten and unspoken rules

  • If the whole point if this procedure is to change the behavior, every effort should be made to communicate the rationale for the expected behavior (tied to the family values and using a communication mode the child best understands)
  • “In the library people expect things to be pretty quiet for studying or just to have a peaceful place to be. Being loud can be scary and startling to them. So when we have big feelings that make us scream, we have to step outside.”
  • We should also talk about what we, as care-sharers, hope to do differently in the future to help the situation to be different and get input from the person impacted.
  • We can explain what we liked or didn’t like about our own reactions

Problem three: It disrespects emotions

…the behavior being targeted for ignoring is often a sign that the person needs help and is in emotional distress

  • It feels awful to be ignored, excluded, given the cold shoulder, etc. There are definitely trauma impacts people have reported from being ignored as children. But because ABA can’t “objectively observe” emotions, those in the field aren’t taught to understand the impact these emotions have on someone.
  • Planned ignoring doesn’t recognize that the behavior being targeted for ignoring is often a sign that the person needs help and is in emotional distress
  • It ignores the emotions and identity of the person being ignored as a valid human and reduces them to undesirable behaviors (according to the perspective of those in power).

Instead: As caregivers, we must guide a child through understanding their emotions

  • Validate the child’s emotions and help the child learn to have those feelings and stay safe
  • This means that you should talk about it, you should explain the situation and maybe help name their feelings. This means talking about your feelings too (without blaming the child for your feelings – own them) and making sure they understand that everyone has hard times sometimes.
  • We should work to understand our personal values and trepidations to work on understanding our own reactions to intentionally parent with compassion.

Problem Four: It exacerbates unhealthy power imbalances that are already unbalanced

  • ABA is often predicated on the ability to manipulate variables to change behavior to what the therapist or others in power (parents, teachers, guardians) deem to be important, the reliance on this power imbalance they hold is omnipresent
  • After those using this tool of oppression determine the behavior they want eliminated, they use their power to remove all possible resources from the oppressed person, including emotional and psychological responding (e.g., love, attention, help, understanding).
  • The oppressed person eventually learns that in order to survive in this manipulative environment they must conform to the dominant person.
  • Children and those with disabilities are recognized as oppressed groups by the UN. When a behavior therapist comes into someone’s home or classroom, they are immediately in enormous positions of power over the child and caregivers.
  • When used in classrooms or group settings, adults use their power of influence to show a child’s peers how to suppress empathy, how to ostracize others and encourage psychological harm.
  • When we use our power to oppress emotions, we may be creating trauma responses of freeze/shut down/fawning. Unfortunately, this looks good on a data sheet and behavior therapists will celebrate this scenario, most of them unaware of the long term mental health consequences. 

Instead: We as professionals and caregivers must recognize the power imbalance and do whatever we can to give power back to those we hold power over

…we should honor a parent’s discomfort with anything we recommend and never teach a parent to ignore their urge to comfort their upset child

  • Children can absolutely be partners in working to remedy a difficult situation and we should meet them at their level, not expect them to come up to our level of communication and understanding.
  • As professionals we should honor a parent’s discomfort with anything we recommend and never teach a parent to ignore their urge to comfort their upset child
  • We must help caregivers and peers to learn to set boundaries and manage self care when they are overwhelmed or upset while the child is upset too. 
  • When someone in power must walk away to self regulate; safety plans, check ins and communication are essential. Tell the child you feel overwhelmed and need to step away. Check in regularly to see if you can help. Get help from others to help keep the situation safe while you step away.
  • Always assume the child has a good reason for reacting the way they do. Come with compassion and a mind open for understanding from the child’s point of view
  • Honor the ways a child uses to emotionally self regulate while offering co-regulation and regulation strategies tied to family values.

Planned ignoring should be written out of ABA’s code of ethics. There are far too many opportunities to harm by using it and many more opportunities to address conflict in more empowering ways. 

Planned Ignoring Pitfalls (Part One)

This is part one of our planned ignoring post. Part two is here

We at Blooming Abilities are trained as behavior therapists. Early in grad school I was trained on two protocols: planned ignoring and manual guidance – two extinction protocols. I was taught to model this and train families with open abuse and neglect cases with the state. Following graduate school, my employers maintained these protocols as main methods for behavior management. 

I’ve realized how much harm I likely did while using these extinction methods.

I’ve learned a lot since then – a lot about child development, emotions and trauma – enough to be horrified that I was first trained to use these things with families obviously dealing with trauma, often generational. I’ve realized how much harm I likely did while using these extinction methods.

At Blooming Abilities, we oppose extinction strategies. Even in extreme cases because we prefer a harm reduction model in those cases. Within ABA (applied behavior analysis), a popular extinction strategy is called Planned Ignoring. This assumes the function of a behavior is to get attention (or sometimes a tangible item/activity). The phrase that often goes with planned ignoring is “ignore the behavior, not the child”. 

There are many problems with using this process that stem from power, control, and oppression.

What that can look like is: giving the child a statement (or none at all) such as: “I will talk to you when you are done screaming” and then the adult will remove all attention: turn away, no eye contact, no hugging/touching. If the child stops whatever the adult doesn’t like that they are doing, the adult will over exaggerate excitement and praise for the child doing what the adult wanted and move on, taking care to not talk about the situation.

There are many problems with using this process that stem from power, control, and oppression. Our next blog post will go in depth with some of these issues and offer alternatives.

Naming Colonialism

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

I consider my work to be that of learning about my privilege to best use it to do my part in untangling us from the grips of colonialism. But what is colonialism? Those that know me, know how much I love the power of naming things. Naming helps improve our awareness of something and allows us to develop the ability to explore what that thing means for our selves on a personal and intimate level.

Colonialism is something I have found value in naming. For my understanding, it is the force of systemic, cultural, internal and interpersonal violent oppression that:

  • Tries to force people to conform to the dominant culture at enormous expense of self destruction, especially to the parts that don’t fit with the upheld ideal
  • Tries to tell me my way of feeling, connecting and being is wrong
  • Stripped me and my ancestors of our way of creating and connecting to the earth, universe, our children and each other
  • Tells us the way to survive is through disconnection, suppression, isolation and power over others

The intersecting narratives of our lived experiences with colonialism are both personal and shared. When we name this experience we can better recognize its effects and work together to consciously heal. I know that naming this and finding others who have experienced and understand colonialism has given me the power to articulate this force over the narrative of my life so I can move forward in healing myself, my family and the earth.

Photo by Jacub Gomez on Pexels.com

Once I named and learned more about colonialism, I saw the deeply embedded threads of its work everywhere. I have found myself defeated and hopeless as I have clumsily attempted to pull at every thread I saw while surrounded by people who simply didn’t see what I saw. At times I was causing harm with my efforts. Now I realize that I was missing crucial pieces that I needed to find the names for: self compassion, community, collective wisdom. I want to continue doing this work and I have renewed vigor and hope thanks to hearing from the collective wisdom of a community of people who offered my soul some healing and reconnection. I’d like to offer gratitude to the Institute for the Development of Human Art for their amazing panel for the Decarcerating Care: Community-Based Healing Alternatives +How to Build Them talk. It quenched a thirst I didn’t even realize I was dying from.