This is part two of our planned ignoring post. Part one is here
Problem one: It shows the child that attention, help, care, and love from adults and those in power is conditional
- Children learn how the world works from their trusted adults around them. They don’t understand a distinction about behavior vs. themselves as people.
- They learn that to get help and attention, they must do whatever the person in power demands.
- When used with vulnerable populations this grooms them to suppress their own needs and internal warning signals to do what they must to appease the person unhappy with them and puts them at higher risk for exploitation.
- They learn that attention and help should be conditional no matter the type of attention
Instead: We should ensure that the child understands our love and care is unconditional
- Explain that we understand they are having a hard time and that we want to help them.
- Make sure they know that we are there for them if that is what they want and need at the moment.
- Ensure we communicate that we are not upset with them and make sure we don’t hold grudges
- The way these things are communicated will vary based on the child, family values and contextual situation.
Problem two: It does nothing to help the person understand the situation
Planned ignoring…requires no discussion of the situation with the person experiencing distress.
- Children (people in general) tend to see the situation from their point of view. Children will make up reasons a situation happened the way it did, especially when it was something very emotional.
- When planned ignoring is used, it is a tool of oppression. It is to suppress something which the person in power does not approve of. It isn’t used to offer rationales, it doesn’t treat the child with respect as a partner in communication nor does it offer learning in a way that is compassionate.
- Planned ignoring doesn’t include parental guidance because it requires no discussion of the situation with the person experiencing distress.
Instead: We should make sure to talk about what happened after the heat of the moment and explain the (often) unwritten and unspoken rules.
- If the whole point if this procedure is to change the behavior, every effort should be made to communicate the rationale for the expected behavior (tied to the family values and using a communication mode the child best understands)
- “In the library people expect things to be pretty quiet for studying or just to have a peaceful place to be. Being loud can be scary and startling to them. So when we have big feelings that make us scream, we have to step outside.”
- We should also talk about what we, as care-sharers, hope to do differently in the future to help the situation to be different and get input from the person impacted.
- We can explain what we liked or didn’t like about our own reactions
Problem three: It disrespects emotions
…the behavior being targeted for ignoring is often a sign that the person needs help and is in emotional distress
- It feels awful to be ignored, excluded, given the cold shoulder, etc. There are definitely trauma impacts people have reported from being ignored as children. But because ABA can’t “objectively observe” emotions, those in the field aren’t taught to understand the impact these emotions have on someone.
- Planned ignoring doesn’t recognize that the behavior being targeted for ignoring is often a sign that the person needs help and is in emotional distress
- It ignores the emotions and identity of the person being ignored as a valid human and reduces them to undesirable behaviors (according to the perspective of those in power).
Instead: As caregivers, we must guide a child through understanding their emotions
- Validate the child’s emotions and help the child learn to have those feelings and stay safe
- This means that you should talk about it, you should explain the situation and maybe help name their feelings. This means talking about your feelings too (without blaming the child for your feelings – own them) and making sure they understand that everyone has hard times sometimes.
- We should work to understand our personal values and trepidations to work on understanding our own reactions to intentionally parent with compassion.
Problem Four: It exacerbates unhealthy power imbalances that are already unbalanced
- ABA is often predicated on the ability to manipulate variables to change behavior to what the therapist or others in power (parents, teachers, guardians) deem to be important, the reliance on this power imbalance they hold is omnipresent
- After those using this tool of oppression determine the behavior they want eliminated, they use their power to remove all possible resources from the oppressed person, including emotional and psychological responding (e.g., love, attention, help, understanding).
- The oppressed person eventually learns that in order to survive in this manipulative environment they must conform to the dominant person.
- Children and those with disabilities are recognized as oppressed groups by the UN. When a behavior therapist comes into someone’s home or classroom, they are immediately in enormous positions of power over the child and caregivers.
- When used in classrooms or group settings, adults use their power of influence to show a child’s peers how to suppress empathy, how to ostracize others and encourage psychological harm.
- When we use our power to oppress emotions, we may be creating trauma responses of freeze/shut down/fawning. Unfortunately, this looks good on a data sheet and behavior therapists will celebrate this scenario, most of them unaware of the long term mental health consequences.
Instead: We as professionals and caregivers must recognize the power imbalance and do whatever we can to give power back to those we hold power over
…we should honor a parent’s discomfort with anything we recommend and never teach a parent to ignore their urge to comfort their upset child
- Children can absolutely be partners in working to remedy a difficult situation and we should meet them at their level, not expect them to come up to our level of communication and understanding.
- As professionals we should honor a parent’s discomfort with anything we recommend and never teach a parent to ignore their urge to comfort their upset child
- We must help caregivers and peers to learn to set boundaries and manage self care when they are overwhelmed or upset while the child is upset too.
- When someone in power must walk away to self regulate; safety plans, check ins and communication are essential. Tell the child you feel overwhelmed and need to step away. Check in regularly to see if you can help. Get help from others to help keep the situation safe while you step away.
- Always assume the child has a good reason for reacting the way they do. Come with compassion and a mind open for understanding from the child’s point of view
- Honor the ways a child uses to emotionally self regulate while offering co-regulation and regulation strategies tied to family values.
Planned ignoring should be written out of ABA’s code of ethics. There are far too many opportunities to harm by using it and many more opportunities to address conflict in more empowering ways.